life update · lifestyle

Just faking it.

I am a liar.

I have been lying to my family, to my friends, to my manager.

But most of all, I have been lying to myself.

I have created this facade, one that hides how I really am. I have been walking around with a smile plastered on my face, but that smile is completely false. I have told others that I am coping. I have told myself that I am coping. But in complete and utter honesty, I am not coping. I haven’t been for a while. Instead of dealing with the issues that fill my mind, I have been pushing them away and pretending that they don’t exist. I know that it isn’t healthy to do this, but I just can’t seem to stop.

But now things are bubbling to the surface. I can no longer hide behind this mask that I have created, as it is beginning to crack. People are noticing how I have changed, and in all honesty, I absolutely hate the way that I am feeling right now. When hard things happen, I do not cope with them. Instead I go in on myself, I read, I listen to music and I talk to no one about the way that I am feeling. I just don’t want to burden anyone as I know that we all have hard things going on in our lives. But if I want to feel better within myself, if I want to be comfortable and open to ever having a relationship with someone, then I need to try and help myself.

For the past 3 years, a lot of bad, horrible and heartbreaking things have happened. During my second year of university I was raped at a party. Did I tell anyone about it? No. Because I was ashamed, embarrassed and I blamed myself. And I still do. Since then I have only ever told two people, Kate whom has been so supportive. And Tom. I kind of regret telling him, not because he has judged me or treated me any differently, if anything he has been incredible. He is one of my closest friends, but he is also someone that I could see myself starting a relationship with, however how can I ever give myself fully to him in all senses when I feel broken and damaged and he knows all of that about me. How could he ever fall for someone like me?

Then, during the summer that I finished my second of year of university and was heading into my final year, my two year old nephew was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. We were never told how much time we would have with him. He was diagnosed in the June and then passed away in the September. I will never forget the day that my brother phoned me and said that it looked like today was going to be the day. We all rushed to the hospital to say our goodbyes, but as we were driving we had another phone call to say that he was gone. My dad told my little sister and I that we needed to make a decision as to whether we would want to see him. That choice was ripped away from us as when we walked into the hospital room, the little boy that I loved so passionately and strongly for was in my sister in laws arms. I knew what my choice would be, I didn’t want to see his body. That is not the image that I wanted to remember of this vibrant and happy soul that was taken away from me. But now, all I can see is the image of him in her arms.

Both of these moments I will never forget. Both have affected me so deeply. Both of these moments I have not dealt with. Instead I pretended like I was coping, when instead I was and am still broken inside.

Now it is time that I finally do something to make myself better.

I’ve set up a doctor’s appointment for this coming Monday so that I can discuss my options with them. I think counselling would probably be the best idea for me and then just see what the next steps are. But I have made that first move into trying to get myself better. I have admitted that there is something wrong. I have admitted that I have been lying.

Now I need to focus on myself and my health.

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